Confessions of a Residential Inpatient: My 30 Days in Rehab

As many of you know, I spent the last 30 days at Sierra Tucson – a residential treatment facility in Tucson, Arizona.  I truly think this program saved my life, so I’m recording my thoughts and observations here in case anyone wants to know what residential treatment (rehab) is like. 

Sierra Tucson treats mood disorders, addiction, trauma, chronic pain, and eating disorders. I’m sure there’s something I’m missing, because they cover quite a lot of stuff.  And a part of the process is using your “titles”, or what you’re in treatment for, at the beginning of each group.  It went a little something like this:

Hi, I’m Kelsey. I’m here for depression, borderline personality disorder, addiction and trauma. Today I’m feeling shame and sad. *pause for resounding “we support you”*

So from the very beginning, we’re reminded constantly of what we’re here for and working on. At first it was annoying: like telling someone fifteen times a day you’re gay. After a while, though, you begin to embrace and appreciate those titles. Those things make us who we are, and there’s no reason to be ashamed of them. Own what you’re working on! Fuck normalcy!

Anyways, our days were scheduled down to the minute most days. The less down time, the less time you have to think about depression or drinking alcohol or using or whatever your affliction may be. I appreciated those full schedules, and it’s going to be an adjustment not having one handed to me in the real world. Mom, where the hell is my schedule? What am I supposed to do from 6 am to 9 pm?!

Sierra Tucson offers a variety of different therapies to service its broad spectrum of patients. Everything from massage to EMDR to acupuncture to bioneuralfeedback (feel free to google some of these) were used as an integral part of treatment. They also offer group therapy 4 times a week, individual therapy, AA meetings, and residential therapists at your beck and call whenever you need them.  It was a pretty sweet gig, honestly. 

More important than the logistics of ST were the people. Everyone I met was struggling with something and no one tried to “be normal.”  We all owned our shit and didn’t apologize – well, we tried not to apologize. The community was truly the most therapeutic part of the process, and I learned more from my peers than I ever could sitting in a lecture. I am indebted to them for life. 

I learned a lot about myself at ST. To be brief, I’ll bullet a few of them here:

• Be as kind to yourself as you would be to others
• Everybody’s got their own shit, and no shit smells worse than anyone else’s 
• I deserve happiness just by being alive
• Relationships won’t fix you

Those are the key points, I think. 

I certainly had days where I hated being in rehab. I just wanted to talk on my phone, or kiss a boy that was cute, or not have a curfew as a damn 23 year old. But mostly the experience was extremely positive. I hope if you take nothing else from this post, you know I loved my time in rehab. 

I implore any of you who are struggling to seek treatment – residential or not. Why? Because you deserve it. You deserve to be happy just for being you. And you are special. To me, to your loved ones, to the universe. You are special and you deserve to be happy and healthy. 

Stay mighty,

Kelsey

Inspire Others

“Good players inspire themselves. Great players inspire others.”

While waiting for my paperwork to step down into an intensive outpatient program (yay!), I saw this sign in the office. 

I initially thought of how bad I am at sports, and even though I think I can be a great motivator, I still think I’d suck a lot. 

Self-esteem is important, y’all. 

More importantly, though, I started thinking of all the ways helping others (in and out of sports) helps yourself. Sometimes it takes a little kindness to receive a little good back from the universe. 

I don’t know if any of you have caught on, but I call my God the universe, but I’m talking abou whatever YOUR deity is: God, Allah, Buddha, or multiple gods. I choose to call it the universe, because God is everything. God is love. Love is everything. 

So be kind. Pay it forward. You’ll get it back, I promise. 

Stay mighty,

Kelsey 

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Stay mighty. 

Kelsey

On Attending Family Functions with a Mental Illness

The dreaded question for anyone in recovery for a mental illness: So what are you doing now?

There’s no socially comfortable way to respond. “Oh, nothing much, just got out of the psychiatric hospital.” “I’m in a partial hospitalization program, so I do that all day.” “I’m not doing anything but working on my mental health.”

All of these sound like, “I’m being lazy,” to the lay mentally stable individual – neuronormals, if you will. At least that’s we, the mentally ill, think: everyone will see me as the laziest person ever, & I don’t deserve this time to myself. 

I recently had a death in the family, so I’m in my hometown of New Orleans attending various family functions. I got The Question from every family member I’ve encountered. I think I gave a different response to each one, ranging from, “I’m still working on my Master’s,” (which I’m not) to, “Trying to figure out what to do with my life.” My heart dropped & anxiety set in every time it was asked. Surprisingly, no matter my response, I got the same reaction:

“Take your time.”

At first, it sounded like a generic response older people give the young regardless of the situation. As I heard it more & more, I began to think that maybe there was a method to their lack-of-madness; maybe they knew something I wasn’t ready to admit to myself. 

What I realized – through extensive introspection & journaling throughout my visit – is that I rarely take the time to focus on myself. Even while in PHP (a partial hospitalization program), I still am plagued by thoughts & anxieties about money, getting a job, impressing people, the works. The advice “take your time” is more sage than even they realize, because what it really meant to me is, “You are worthy. You are doing fine. You can do this.”

I acknowledge many of you don’t have a support system or family like mine. I am blessed by every god out there. For those in this situation, I am sorry, & I am here.

For those of you who do have families – even big, nosy, good-intentioned ones like mine – I urge you not to be afraid of their questions. Don’t let fear deter you from the ones who love you. Don’t let your inner self-critic sway “what are you up to?” into “you are not worthy.” It’s probably not what they intend; it’s your personal subconscious projecting bad mumbo-jumbo onto them.

Instead, own your struggles & your successes. Say, “I’m in treatment right now, because it’s where I need to be.” They may not understand, but they also might. Most importantly, you understand. And guess what? You matter. 

I was talking to an aunt of mine at a baby shower recently, & she told me she loved my blog – this blog – about mental health & recovery. It meant so much to me to be acknowledged as I am: flawed, big-hearted, & sincerely trying. This can happen to you too.

So say yes to that family reunion!

Say yes to the birthday & anniversary parties. 

Say yes to your family, loved ones, & friends.

They may just say what you need to hear. 

Things to Ask of Your Caregivers

Mental illness can be debilitatingly powerful.  It can cause you to lose simple daily functioning, contact with friends and family, & your sense of self.  You might lay in bed all day.  You might spend all of your money gambling. You might harm yourself physically over & over until someone notices.  

I hope all of you have a safe person to go to with any troubles you may have, someone who can understand your bad days and give them a smidge of hope.  I know some of you won’t, & I hope you know I am always here. 

Here are some things it’s okay to ask of that person in your life:

1. HELP

It’s okay to ask for it.  It’s okay to need it.  It’s okay to say, “Today is a hard day.  Do you mind making me lunch?”  It’s okay to stay in your safe place, whether that be your bed or your garden or your car driving.  

Just know that asking for help is not bad. 

2. MEDICATION REMINDERS

This one is huge for me.  When I forget to take my meds, & it happens some days, I almost always have a rough couple of days.  A simple text or verbal prompt in the morning can do so much for my forgetful noggin: hey Kels, you taken your meds today?

Now don’t get me wrong, if someone sees me being moody & says, “Whoa, take your meds, girl,” I’m gonna be a lil more than moody. But simple reminders are different, & quite frankly & literally, a lifesaver. 

3. SPACE

Sometimes you don’t want help. You don’t want anyone trying to “fix” your problems.  Ask nicely, & hopefully your caregiver will be understanding. 

4. LENIENCE 

Like I mentioned earlier, mental illness is tough stuff.  It makes even simple tasks hard.  Asking for an extension at work, or for your mom to understand why you haven’t cleaned your room yet, is an understandable request.  

Utilize it.  Don’t feel bad.  

You are enough.

These things are not always easy to do, but the biggest thing I want you to know is you are worth your caregivers’ efforts. You are not a burden.  You are beautiful & enough. 

I hope you got something out of this post, & as always, stay mighty. 

Kels